Speak English

An object weighing 750 pounds and displacing 10 cubic ft is lying in 50 ft of fresh water. If a drum is to be used to lift the object to the surface, how much water must be displaced from the drum?

A . It depends on if the drum is steel or bass.

B . An oatmeal-banana oatmeal shake sounds good right now.

C . This question is not worth sacrificing 200 cyclic bc. (bc=brain cells)

D . I should consider a profession in the conception of multiple choice answer possibilities.

E . All of the above.

As you can see, I’m somewhat frustrated with the Physics portion of my Divemaster academic training. The most aggravating part is knowing that I mastered all this silly pressure, volume, yada-yada laws/equations, not just once, but twice (high school and university), and still I must make room in the nogin for Boyle and Charles. Ya know what I think? I think, that anything you still don’ t remember after learning three times, is NOT worth learning. Watch it Boyle, you’ve got two strikes and a curve ball comin’ at ya.

Tis the Season of the Brits. The English took over the island for the month of June and July while on “holiday” from “Uni.” Lovely people they are – the most critical of Americans – but with stinging sarcasm and brilliant wit that has rolled me out of my hammock at least a baker’s dozen of times (even if eight of those rolls were directly rooted in cracks on the good ol’ US of A). Beware though, the quickest way to become the subject of that wit and sarcasm is to say something along the lines of, “keep talking….your accent is so cute!” . Along with the “proper” accent *think Mary Poppins* there exists a full dictionary of English lingo that deserves to be acknowledged on the sol-record. And thus the Proper English Dictionary was born….

*wiggles her nose and touches her finger to the computer screen*

(If only it were that easy.)

Band-Aids = Plasters

Q-tips = Cotton Buds

Vacuume Cleaner = Hoover

Roll a Joint = Skin Up

To “make fun of” = To “take the piss”

Balls = Bullocks

Jerk Off = Wanker

To Kiss = To “snog”

To “hook up” = To “pull”

“crap” = “oh bugger”

Dude/guy = “bloke”

Girl = “bird”

Hot/good looking = “fit”

“thanks” = “cheers”

Rank/disgusting/ugly = “that mings”, “you minger”

Cookie = biscuit

Dessert = pudding

Jelly = jello

Bud = “mate”

Backpack = rucksack

Candy = Lolly

Vacation: Holiday

College: Uni

Another sly trick is substituting a nonsense expression (that rhymes with the original intention) in to ordinary *and lackluster* sentences. For example, we had a right ‘ol bubble bath” might mean we had a good ‘ol laugh”.Throwing in the words “quite”,”ol”, “lovely” and “right,then” ads nice character also.Oh,and end each sentence on a down note (American English tends to always end in a high note…. like we’re always asking questions, ya know?). Now put it all together and what do you get?An American doing a terrible interpretation of an English accent.But they LOVE to laugh at THAT.

Thanks to Matt, Rob, Kate, Louise and Rachel (pictured below) for their help in putting together the first chapter of the Proper English Dictionary. Cheers Mates! (And remember to TIP your bartender! You’re not in England anymore! *winks at Matt*)